facebook ruins everything (pt 1: parties)

dear mark zuckerberg, founder and ceo of facebook incorporated,

you do not know me, but i know enough about you to know that you are the man responsible for destroying the only ray of light in the otherwise grey and cloudy day that is my life. i am, of course, referring to having fun on the weekend which has become increasingly difficult as a direct result of the 'service' you provide. every time i go to a party and see a line up of strangers or enter an unbearably hot room and find the privacy of my person violated by the boney elbows and filthy hands of beginner club urchins, people whom i have never met yet who recognise me from my picture on the internet and presume to ask me where cocaine can be readily purchased i know it is your doing and i reaffirm my vow of someday exacting slow and lingering vengeance upon your body.i went to no tofu on friday for the andy warhol party and, what should have been an enjoyable night was turned into some sort of horrific where's waldoesque nightmare of heat and confusion (the heat might have been made worse because of the tin foil covering the walls which cooked us like turkeys, but that part was actually pretty awesome and i'm sure the place would have been too hot even without it). my friends all dissapeared into the hungry crowd of strangers or sat in the smoke room with the few people they were able to recover from the carnage. afterwards i had to axe myself "who were all those people? how did they find out? how were they able to ruin a pretty interesting theme, fun decorations and good music with just their presence, like so many ants at a picnic?" and then when i was at home, feeding my facebook cat, it hit me: facebook.


now, you might ask, "how do you know it is me doing this? maybe this would have happened without my website?" but i do not believe this for a second. before facebook maybe one or two idiots would show up because they happened to be in the neighbourhood or got sick of waiting in line at the blarney stone, but so long as they didn't drink all the jager at the bar, leaving me with nothing to chase down the horrible taste of redbull or get into too many fights then it was fine. it only became a problem when they were able to invite all of their stupid friends from facebook who probably aren't even their friends but just added them because they went to highschool together, creating a sort of shit-domino effect. none of this would have been possible without your involvement, mark zuckerberg.

and so, when the news reporters are asking why i did what i did, please have your estate direct them to this letter.

with all my heart,

The Craigler